Praying for your marriage.

Pray for them, not at them.

There is a difference between bringing your spouse to God and using prayer to build the case against them. You can usually tell which one you are doing by how you feel afterwards. Intercession leaves you softer toward the person. Rehearsal leaves you sharper.

Pray one thing, not everything.

A list of nine complaints is not a prayer strategy. Choose one thing — his exhaustion, her fear about money, the way you both go silent — and stay there for a month. Specific prayers are the only ones you can ever notice being answered.

Pray for yourself in the same breath.

Ask what you contributed to the distance. Not as self-punishment — as accuracy. Almost every marriage conflict has a part that depends on you, and that part is the only part you can actually move.

Prayer does not replace the conversation.

Praying about something for six months while never saying it out loud to your spouse is not spiritual patience; it is avoidance with a religious label. Pray first, then speak. Often the second thing goes much better because of the first.

Four things to try this week

1. Pray for your spouse by name, out loud, for two minutes before any hard conversation.
2. Write one card for the wall: their name, one thing you are asking, and the date you started.
3. Thank God for one specific thing about them that you have stopped noticing.
4. Ask, once, without defending yourself: "Is there something I do that makes this harder?" Then be quiet.